Pirates of the Retail Wasteland by Adam Selzer

Author:Adam Selzer
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780375846502
Publisher: Random House Children's Books
Published: 2008-04-07T16:00:00+00:00

Fifteen minutes into the school day the next morning, I decided that I never, ever wanted to hear the term “leadership skills” again. It seemed to be by far the most popular topic of conversation among the Skills for the Job Market kids, who were really getting into a discussion about using leadership skills in fast-food and retail work.

Up at the front of the room, Mr. Morton, who was still dressed as a fruit smoothie, but maybe as a different flavor this time, was going on and on about how to present yourself when applying to work as a customer service representative. From what I gathered, he thought you should show up acting like a slick-talking game show host.

“You see,” he said, “that’s what they look for when they hire new team members. They don’t just want team players, they want leaders.”

Yeah, I thought. Leaders who will work for just over minimum wage and can lead the other employees into battle against the store across the street. Call me a snot-nosed commie whiner or whatever, but when I think of leaders, I think of guys like Winston Churchill or George Washington, not the assistant housewares manager down at the Mega Mart.

Wackfords, I imagined, was probably big on talking about leadership skills. It seemed like their sort of thing. I wondered what they called their employees. No one actually says “employee” anymore—they all say something like “associate,” “teammate,” or something equally dumb. If this was the job market, I thought maybe I’d just become a taxi driver. That guy who’d driven our taxi Saturday night probably didn’t have an ounce of leadership skills in his entire body, and he did all right.

At the end of the day, Anna, Brian, Edie, and I gathered quietly around the flagpole outside the building. The weather service in the morning had said that it was going to be the coldest day of the year so far, and it certainly felt like it. We’d been able to see our breath hanging in the air for weeks, of course, but this time it felt like it might actually turn into a solid chunk of ice instead of floating away.

“Perfect,” said Brian. “We’ll have the element of surprise. They’ll never expect to be raided by pirates in this weather!”

“Yeah,” I said. “Whereas in the summer, it’s something they try to stay on the lookout for.”

“Why do you think they’re always hiring?” Anna asked. “They need people to stand on the roof with spyglasses.”

I was wearing my usual jeans and winter coat. Anna was wearing her furry hooded coat, the one that made her look like an Eskimo. Edie was in what I guess was supposed to be a punk ensemble, though it really looked more goth—a rather garish long black coat that blended well with the nonred parts of her hair. Brian was wearing a studded leather jacket that was nowhere near warm enough for the winter over his T-shirt. He didn’t even have a hat or a hood or anything—his only headgear was an eye patch.

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